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El Meow

[ website | El Meow's Piece Of Hell ]
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[05 Feb 2004|07:07pm]
i have a new journal now...so forget about this one......the username is superschlenk....thats it...l8r
Break My Words

Dont Want To Meet Your Mama, Just Want To Make You Come.... [20 Jan 2004|11:15pm]
bad day.....we were supposed to start midterms today but they were postponed and i had no idea so i showed up compleatly unprepared....sigh...then i dont know but i just started flipping out for no reason....lucifer has been missing for 3 weeks....my mom said she saw him all the way near cvs.....maybe someone found him and took him in.....that sucks....hes my baby ive had him forever...i really miss him...i hope hes ok....i need to make signs.....
Break My Words

I Spent Too Many Years Believing In A Lie... [15 Jan 2004|03:58pm]
[ mood | amused ]

So much drama happened over the past week...alot of it was with Chris but I'm over it and leaving it in the past...lets just say stupidity and jealousy got the best of me...and he got mad cause i dont trust him..but i do..i now know that i do trust him and he would never hurt me or not tell me something....midterms are next week..im thinking ill do good...or at least i hope i will....went to chris's meet last night..the whole thing was tied up and he was the last to wrestle and won it for the whole team...ive never been prouder...he is over cause today was a snow day..YAY!!....this might be the last time i see him before sun cause he has to go to vermont w/ the team.....its been so hard for us to spend time together and im not sure if its gonna get any better....sigh..i finally got to wear his class ring permanatly..:D..everything seems to be going good for now and i really hope it stays that way...

Break My Words

I Don't Wanna Run Away But I Can't Take It I Dont Understand.... [08 Jan 2004|05:38pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

fucking ppl need to mind their own business...if i leave a comment for some one i dont give a shit who u r if it has nothing to do w/ u shut ur fucking mouth.....and dont u dare go attacking flaws that i have because then ur just being an asshole.....i dont care what the person im commenting to thinks of me....if she thinks im pathetic thatn she she have enough guts to tell me herself no go through some piece of shit bitch of a third person to say it for her....cause if thats how she feels than she should just tell me now so i can stop wasting my time attempting to recreate a freindship we once had.....cause i dont deserve to be lied to and i dont deserve to be treated like im no one and have everything i say or do analysed by others behind my back.....i have ppl in my life who do care about what i say think or do and who like me for who i am and one less person to treat me like shit and lie to me is really no problem for me....

6 Broken Words| Break My Words

Dont fall away and leave me to myself...... [07 Jan 2004|08:11pm]
[ mood | sad ]

on sat we gave jayden to his new owner...i started crying as soon as we left him...i didnt realize i would miss him so much..i didnt know how attached i was to him....i can barely sleep cause im so used to him being right next to me...i know he is being taken care of...i wasnt enough for him....and now he has another dog to play with.....it just hurts me knowing that he can be looking around for me and chris and we wont be there....he doesnt deserve to be uprooted from his home and pple he loves...i feel like its all my fault.....i just feel so guilty.....

3 Broken Words| Break My Words

Never Ever Wanted This Always Wanted To Believe..... [29 Dec 2003|01:02pm]
[ mood | scared ]

I dont know what to do.....he feels so distant...he says i feel the same..he thinks we r driffting apart...he thinks maybe we should have been friends before we got together...maybe he's right but we cant go back now...its too late....we r already almost 8 months in...i cried so much last night..i could barely sleep....he said i was crying like we broke up....whats going to happen...it seems like thats where its heading since we r "drifting apart"...maybe it caouse we havent spent much time together lately....maybe its just not ment to be....maybe i got to happy over this and forgot to prepare myself for the heartache i will feel....maybe im not ment to feel good at all....y else would everything good i have fall apart and go away....i dont want to lose him...he is the only good thing i have...hes the only thing that makes me happy.....what gonna happen next....y does this have to hurt so much...y does it have to be so hard..i wish this pain would just go away

Break My Words

Peace on Earth, can it be Years from now, perhaps we'll see See the day of glory See the day, when m [24 Dec 2003|09:00pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

So tomarrows christmas...kick ass....it came so quick this year...it doesnt feel like it too me...when i was little wed all go over to my grandparents house and exchange gifts on x-mas eve....but after my grandma died it all changed....we no longer had it their house and everything just changed...now i dont even talk to my dads side of the family and they treat me like shit.....nothing the same anymore..as uget older thing just lose the magic and reality comes into play....but any ways i already got some gifts....i got 2 playboy posters and a bracelet from chris and he said he is making something else for me but its not quite done yet....and im getting something from stephy tonite...last night me and chris got to a fight caused by the actons of someone i thought id never talk to again but now things are fine and we r trying hard to stop us from fighting all the time.....so anyways i hope everyone has a merry x-mas tomarrow

Break My Words

[24 Dec 2003|12:34pm]
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Break My Words

every roommate kept awake by every sigh and scream we make... [19 Dec 2003|12:40pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

long time no writting...sigh....not that much has happened..or yeah it has.....where to start....i havent wanted to cut in like forever which is really really good....i still have my shitty days but i dont know how to make them go away.....i found out i might not have depression i have something else which unlike depression isnt triggered by a major life changing event....it doesnt matter on how my day is going i can be in a bad mood for no reason at all.....things with my family are worse..my grandfather is constantly telling my 7 year old sister all of this bad shit...like that my dad is gonna die soon....and that im not getting anything for my b-day or x-mas because im not nice and im going to stratford high.....atleast im going to school....things with me and chris r great...but every once and a while i feel like hes driffting away..i know that sounds dumb and stupid but i just feel like that at times....i find my self getting jelous of his ex..i kno he doesnt give a shit about her any more so thats not the problem.....its just when the dated he did sooo much for her..hed get her things and write her letters everyday and w/ me and him its not like that at all...i buy everything....i get him things all the time...he never writes me letters.....for x-mas last year he got her this beautiful silver necklace and im getting nothing....i know it doesnt matter what he buys me, but i cant help but feeling neglected..like she is somehow better than me..that she deserved it and i dont.....i want to tell chris its bugging me but i dont kno how w/o getting him upset.....sigh

1 Broken Word| Break My Words

The Worst Is Yet To Come... [24 Jul 2003|02:48pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

FUCK!!!!! Al is starting his shit again...he ims me a starts asking where chris is..i told him that chris is camping w/ a friend...he asks when chris left and i told him about 7 or 8 then he says im a liar and how he was there at ll and how i was there at 11 cause my journal said so which is also crap cause my last entry was 2 days ago...then he starts saying that i make him cry to sleep at night and how i fuck his life...but im not the one who used to harrass him everyday online or randomly im him for sexual favors or made a site making fun of his dad or shows up at his house for no reason and pretty much does nothing but ask for blow jobs and im not the one who knock on his window @ 2am and helps one of my friends climb in....he full of fucking shit....everytime things start to get cool between us he starts this again...y do i keep letting him back in my life.....thank god he'll be gone soon cause i can not deal his bullshit any fucking more...i have no reason to put through this again.....

3 Broken Words| Break My Words

Have You Ever Seen Anoyher Lying In A Pool Of Blood.... [22 Jul 2003|10:55pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

yes im still alive im just not writng as much...too much going on to type it all down...right now im at my sexyful chris's house :D...hes playing evil dead..pretty cool game if u ask me...sigh...i have been shitty lately..atleast 3 times a week i start to cry for stupid fucked up reasons or no reason at all...the social worker is making me go back to therepy...i also have to go to all these other dr appointments and shit..oh what jor and pure udder rapture...im bored..today i went out w/ zack and steph..cindy was w/ us but she had driving school..i finally got my comp from zach..it has all this wicked cool stuff it is soooo fucking awsome....im scared that my depression is coming back full force cause ive tried to ignore it again for so long, but if it makes me lose control this time i have so much to lose...i dont want chris to worry...i dont want to hurt him like i have to others w/ my stupid actions...i dont want to scare him away...he is one of the only thigs that keeps me happy...he treats me too good....he deserces more..so much more than me..he deserves someone who is a good person...someone who can trust him 100%^ and i cant do that cause i cant even trust myself how can i trust someone else...ive just been hurt way too much..i kno it bugs him that i cant trust him...i just want to treat him as good as he treats me....i wanna be a good girlfriend...i want him to know how i feel...but i cant do any of these things...im such a bad fucking person sometimes..and i just dont kno how to tell him or show him how much i truly do love him...i just cant let my guard down no matter how hard ive tried..its just always there stopping me from doing what i have to do to be happy....

Break My Words

I Love Myself Better Than You.... [28 Jun 2003|12:43pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

we went to 6 flags finally..the fucking trip was cancelled twice due to rain..we had a pretty good time..i got a kick ass henna tat...and yesterday i got my tongue pierce....its about fucking time...it barely hurt at all but there r a few down sides...my tongue is a lil swollen, i can really eat stuff easily since im not used to it yet and since its a lil sore since i just got it, i can t eat chicken for 4 days and i cant eat meat for a week, and worse of all i cant kiss chris for a month...but its so worth it....next week im going to radio 104 fest and i can not fucking wait...l8r

1 Broken Word| Break My Words

And Im Bleeding, and Im Bleeding, And Im Bleeding Right Before The Lord..... [09 Jun 2003|04:14pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

long time no entry...i just havent wanted to write lately....today is me and Chris's one month :)..im so happy....lets see what else has happened since i last wrote....i got a new social worker from child protection....shes alot nicer than the last one but she keeps missing appointments...on sat i went to stratford day w/ chris...it was alot of fun..chris won me a bear, him and one of his friends got really cool x.b.w. shirts, and i got a necklace w/ me and chris's name one it....i also saw chris's ex....i only saw her from behind, but what i saw wasnt too pretty...and some guy i dont know saw me and chris and started talking shit about me and called me fat and stuff....grrr....friday im going to six flags w/ cindy, zack, guy, steph, jen, and josh...im excited but at the same time part of me does not want to go...i dont want to be seen in my bathing suit...but what am i gonna do...today me and my mother got into a fight because hicham may go into the air force so she and erika may have to move....i dont want my mom to leave...i dont see her that much already, but i really cant do anything about it can i???

Break My Words

And Its All Your Fault, So Feel Guilty... [30 Apr 2003|10:28pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I'm jealous of cindy yet again. Sure i feel bad that her and matt r over but she now has her pick of all these guys who want to be with her. she is planning dates with guys. i have been alone since last august and not one guy has been interested in me and i have had zero dates. i love cindy but sometimes hanging out with her makes me feel worse about myself. why cant i be her? id kill to have atleast one guy want to be with me like they all wanna be with her. im just so sick of being alone...the only guys i can ever seem to get with r guys who i meet online and i always end up getting screwed over...my relationship track record isnt exactally great...there is no point in me wasting my time trying to get a guy..i mean whats the point?? it wont last itll prolly be another 4 month thing where the last month is spent w/ me knowing its over but i wait stupidly for the guy to break my heart. maybe i really will die alone...i know im only 16 so me saying that is drastic but what to i have to offer..im sure there r not alot of guys who would want a girl who hates herself, cuts, has sevear depression, is ugly, is worthless and is slightly over weight, and if there is they r prolly as fucked up as me.. i know its not cindys fault i feel this way..i know in a way she is a scapgoat for my deeply seeded low self esteem, but it just makes me feel like shit when i see all these guys falling for her and not one falling for me...i just want that love and attention....i feel like no one notices me or loves me in any way...i feel alone...i kno my friends r there, and at times so r my parents, but i can be in a room w/ a whole bunch of people who care so much about me but i still feel unbearably alone...i just want someone to hold me and make me feel safe and loved...i fear i will never have that...ill always be alone and afraid....

Break My Words

whats wrong w/ my life today... [13 Apr 2003|01:40am]
[ mood | lonely ]

i just got home...i was out w/ cindy, steph, zack, and josh since like 6:00....first we went to sea side which is boring as all hell...then we went to the movies...we were gonna see house of 1000 corpses but since only 2 of us were 17 and we had no idea we couldnt so insted we just chilled in zacks car....then we had to go to the mall cause stephs sisters friend got caught shoplifting and steph didnt want her sis being alone and shit...while we were there we almost got into a fight w/ this ghetto bitch...steph heard her say some shit about my boots or something so i was gonna ask her why the fuck was she saying shit and she turned around and go an attitude saying how she was "expressing her opinon" which was true so i was gonna back off cause i wasnt really in the mood to start shit, expecialy since im week and would get my ass beat...but then stephs sis said something about this girls bright pink ugly ass fuck shoes and she got all pissed and started w/ all her bitching about shit thats when steph decided to sayed to the bitch "y is it ok for u to expess ur opinon and not ours".....and we all just walked away cause stephs sis was already in a lil trouble cause of her freind and stuff so we didnt want to start more shit....then after all that shit was done w/ we went to merrit canteen for some food....then we went bowling...we did the midnight bowling which is fun if the place isnt crowded...but when it is u get 2 lanes and u alternate which lane u use and we ended up haveing to share it w/ these assholes who kept on saying shit about us, so that took all the fun out of it....whenever i hang out w/ a lot of my friends for a long time i always get depressed by the time its over...i always feel left out....and then i start thinking that there is no reason for me to bother trying anymore....i wake up for nothing..i have no responsibility, no where to go.....i have no one to wake up for...and most of all there is no one who wakes up thinking about me....i feel like i have no one....yeah there r my friends and family....but....my friends arent always around, i mean the have lives unlike me, and it seems there will always be some one better than me or more important then me in their eyes...and the little family i have who actually care always seem to have somethign more important going on and they dont notice that once again im slipping into a deep abyss...i dont want to be alone anymore...i just want someone to love me and i mean really me....not someone who has to like family or someone who loves me as a friend...i want someone who sees something special in me and wants to be with me despite how i am, but i dont see that coming ever....i see myself alone watching everyone else be happy as i pretend that nothings wrong like i always do

1 Broken Word| Break My Words

Where Do All The Porn Stars Go.... [05 Apr 2003|07:54pm]
[ mood | blah ]

alot of shit has happened since my last entry....i almost got arrested for all the shit my dads family says i do....so we are no longer talking to them...finally we dont have to deal w/ their shit anymore....while i was being questioned they started saying that they werent going to arrest me, but they were going to arrest my mom for child neglect which is such bullshit...so due to what happened my mom has to move back in....well now on to a happier topic....my prom was last night....all in all i can say i had a really good time....my friend kyle won prom prince....he should have won king but o well....there really isnt much to say about prom....it was all such a blur....well i guess thats it for now....my life is so uneventful....sigh

Break My Words

never sleep never die [30 Mar 2003|01:39am]
[ mood | lonely ]

guess who stoped by at 11pm? alex, mike, john, and ruben....i didnt mind that much tho...at like 1 my dad came out screaming and shit...yes i kno its my fault cause i let them come in but shit i dont care ive been feeling like shit lately and seeing some ppl other then my dad and sis is refreshing...i just think its great that he can yell at ppl for just being over and talking to me, but when his family, his own flesh and fucking blood accuses me and him of some fucked up shit he does nothing....even if they call and sort of gloat about the shit they r doing to us.....still he says nothing...bullshit...i need to get out of this house..i cant live here anymore....im sick of it....i have to do everythign since my sister and my fucking father act like they r both 2 yr olds who cant take care of them selves in any way......i mean im 16 and suddenly im the fucking woman of the house...i have to clean, cook, do the laundry....its like they cant do anything for themselves...maybe this is partly y mom got sick of my dad and left...i dunno..if i were her i may have done that too...shit i already want to leave...but unlike my mom....i have no where to go....i cant just get up and go...i have no money, no job, and id have no where to live...and then what would happen...they would be left to fend for themselves....erika would have to get taken cause my dad cant take care of her when he cant even take care of himself...im stuck here for the rest of my life or until erika can take care of the place.....i cant deal with it anymore....god i wish this could be over with but no....my life wont end now nor will it get any better....ever since i turned 16 it seems like shit just keeps getting worse..its like all this stuff happens to me at once...and there is nothing i can do about it.....nothing....what am i gonna do.....how much worse can this shit get??? i kno lots of ppl out there have it worse but its hard to see it like that when everything your would is fucking up and you have no one to turn to to make it better like when you were little..you have no one to sit and hold you when your alone crying wish it would just go away.....no one here to kiss you and make you feel even 1% better....nothing....i have no one to turn to....my friends say they will be they r there but they r not always there...they have their own lives and problems...i dont want them to worry about me on top of it.....im just gonna have to learn to deal w/ it alone....

Break My Words

Im A Sick One W/ A Smile..... [29 Mar 2003|08:16pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i feel like shit....too much crap happening and i really cant deal anymore...all these aligations from the child protective ppl are having a toll on me.....they make me out to be a bad person and im not....ive done nothing wrong...and now cause of all the stress my pains are coming back....i feel so depressed and empty....i feel so alone....like no one will understand me....i cant go to my parents cause they will get all parenty and untrusting like im gonna do some stupid shit to myself again....i cant go to my friends cause they feed my the same lines everytime..."we love u...ur a good person...ur special....dont do anything bad...i know how u feel...bla bla bla...." it always the same everytime....i feel like they dont really care anymore so they just spew out the same shit to amuse me...there is no one out there who loves me like i want to be loved..i feel like my family loves me by obligation and that my friends love me cause i make them feel better about themselves....im so alone.....i dont want to deal with this anymore.....my friends will prolly be pissed about all the stuff im saying but what can i say...thats how i feel....im not worth it.....im spilling my heart out to ppl who dont kno and prolly dont care....y do i bother writting...even if i find someone who understands i dont kno if they can really help....sigh....

Break My Words

Every Word Out Your Mouth Is Shit.... [21 Mar 2003|01:59pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Child protective services came today....they asked me some fucking shit....they started off by asking if i beat my sister..i dont..yeah ive hit her oncer or twice but i never beat her..and when i do hit her its after she has bit me or hit me first...then they asked if ive ever touched her in a wrong way...i would never do that shit...they asked bout my depression and cutting...if im on drugs....and then about bobs fucking site and all this other shit....then they said i had to do all this shit like clean the house and erikas room when she is old enough to do that by now...then they got on me for being out of school...i can take this.....they made it sound like i was this bad drugy who beats my sis....god damn.....i cant deal w/ all this bullshit...i wanna cut.....i didnt do anything wrong....how did my life get to this point???

1 Broken Word| Break My Words

Drop Bush Not Bombs... [20 Mar 2003|05:24pm]
[ mood | scared ]

i was gonna use this entry to talk about the concert i went to on tues but sadly we went into war yesterday and im very upset about it....but i do have to say the show was great and i got hell close (close enough to touch) the lead singer of taproot :D....but anyways....im pissed and so fucking scared by the events that have took place in the last 24 hour...i dont agree w/ it in any way.....bush is making a mistake...he says its to fight terror...but how will attacking one of the most powerful arab nations help stop it....it may make it worse for all of us.....i dont think it really is about that..i think its about oil, power and revenge.....he claims they have wepons of mass destruction...yep real smart move...bomb them if they do have those wepons we r all screwed.....they can be aimed at us and innocent civillans will die....does bush really care about us?? right now inm not to sure.....i feel sorry for all the innocent ppl in iraq who have nothing to do w/ this that will die.....i feel right now we should be more worried about north korea....they r so fucking close to makeing a neuclear wepon and if we do we r surely its first target.....i just wish it didnt come down to this....i hoped all the protests would have swayed bush a lil....it was like he didnt care about how the american ppl felt...we r in this alone....we barely have any alies...we r in danger...im most scared for my friends who are 18 or reaching that age...i already have a friend who wants to join the military....what happens if he goes?? i dont want him to die...i dont know what to say anymore...i dont support this war at all but i pray that our troops will be safe and that this will be a quick campain, not world war 3...i know it wont happen, but i hope that there will be some peace after this is all over.....

Break My Words

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